International Weather News. ( Just another day in Bagdad.)

" Good evening and welcome to International Weather News, I'm Tempesta Blizzaard. Well it's all been happening with the weather hasn't it? As we can see on the satellite picture over Great Britain and the rest of Europe it's still very unsettled. The storms that have been battering Europe are still persisting. Seven dead yesterday in Britain and a total of twenty three in the rest of Europe. We did warn you to stay at home. But did you listen? Did you hell! And despite all this you will probably go out today as well. Be it on your own head.
" So our forecast for the next twenty four hours in Britain is about nine deaths. Experts predict that another thirty or so people will die in the rest of Europe in the coming twenty four hours. These calculations were made without any forthcoming information from the Russian government. The Russians have been spared the storms but are struggling with temperatures of minus 30 and heavy snowfall in many parts of the country. The only thing a spokesman for president Poetin had to say was ; " Alot of our old people will die because of the unfortunate weather conditions. " We asked him what was alot? He had a broad smile on his face as he said " Many, many, many. "
An independent reporter in Moscow said he saw an old woman suddenly turn blue and drop dead in a breadline. And so it goes.

And if we flip over to the other side of the world we can see that Australia and Indonesia are having trouble with forest fires as a result of many months of drought. One firefighter died in Australia and two in Indonesia.
Our experts have predicted that at least five more will die in the region in the next twenty four hours.


And now moving on to The United States where they're having all kinds of everything. The Golden Gate Bridge was bending every which way but the police closed it off in time so no deaths there. But the biggest surprise was in Florida where temperatures of minus 50 in combination with a hurricane caused the deaths of 2000 people over the age of 78. President Bush said ; " At least they lived a life." Despite the temperatures and the wind chill factor, the excursion to Key West for 100 people over the age of 79 will still be going ahead. President Bush just grinned that moronic grin and said; " I'm sure some of them will make it. "

Moving on to Greenland now where 2 fishermen fell through the ice. They had visited that spot for the last twenty years but yesterday the ice was too thin because of the abnormal high temperatures in the region over the last three months. You've got to laugh haven't you. And so it goes. Meteorologists in Greenland were too confused to give a prediction for the coming 24 hours.

Even though I'm going to advise you not to go outside tomorrow I know some of you will. So my weather prediction for tomorrow is ; 9 deaths in Britain and about 35 deaths in the rest of Europe.
Not a bad forecast really. Better than a day in Baghdad. And now back to the studio."

Fuck Bill.

" I'll tell you how it is you little shit " he tried to look me in the eyes but couldn't focus. " You pay too much regard." I was pissed but he was much further. " You give people too much credit! They're not worth it. Not in general anyway. Most of it's sleaze and the rest is lies and deception. And you're in love with it all. I pity you. Asshole!"
He was still trying to fix on my eyes but was all over the place. "See that girl over there......What do you think of her?"
" I think she's gorgeous."
" Asshole; she's probably got three guys on the go and probably hates all of them. You have too much trust in human kind. You're an asshole! You need therapy or guidance. The world isn't black or white you tool, but full of greys with the occasional flash of reds and yellows. Your trouble is that you think too clearly."
He looked like he hadn't been loved for years. He had become hard without becoming bitter. He was a good laugh on a good day. He looked like shit but deep down he was a softy. Passionate neglect.
" Go'n' talk to her. See if I'm wrong."
" I have no desire ..................."
" ASSHOLE. That's your problem. You watch life go by before your eyes but you have no desire. You're a weak little shit." And with that he fell off his stool with a sickening thud. But he was still conscious so I helped him back on to his stool.
"You all right Bill?"
" Sure, I just didn't eat too well today " The affliction of every drunkard. " Go talk to her."
So I did. I walked over to her and her friend and asked them if they would like another drink. They were obviously Muslims, with the head scarfs and all, but they were drinking beer. They accepted! And we talked.
I've been married to Boushra for two and a half years now. And we are not bitter.

Fuck you Bill!!!!!!!!

The First Snowball And The First Strike Of Lightening. ( of 2007 )

There were no junior doctors available to take duty over the festive period so it fell to me . For the first time in twenty years. But I'm sixty four, one and a half years away from retirement, so I was not overjoyed at the prospect of being on call. My wife had died two years ago on new years eve at 23:55 of heart failure. Holding a glass of champagne she fell at my feet like a collapsing building.

A general practitioners life in this neck of the woods is none too exiting. And that's the way I like it.
I hoped I would live another year to toast my wife at the time of her death. I obviously had to stay sober in case of emergency. At 23:55 I stood in the garden staring in the direction of the nearest village which was three miles away. I had a glass of very watered down wine in my hand.
FLASH. It was 2007. Eight seconds later it was BANG. 2007. The village looked beautiful and I wept without purpose. The heavy white clouds were low and the fireworks permeated the atmosphere revealing beauty and danger.

At 00:15 I went back into the house to check on my Labrador, 'Taffy' . Taffy was okay. He was getting on and didn't hear too well anyway so the fireworks in the distance were no problem.
I drank a small port and smoked a cigar. At 01:00 I went to bed.
I woke at 08:00 and went downstairs, opened the back door for Taffy, and put on the kettle for a cup of tea. A very thin layer of snow had fallen. I couldn't face breakfast. To be quite honest I couldn't face the world but then the phone rang. Could I go out to a woman in the next village who was giving birth? I hadn't delivered a baby in more than 20 years. As I wrote down her address the only thing I could think was ' Stupid bitch. Why weren't you in hospital days ago?'
I changed in a hurry for someone of my age, made sure Taffy was inside and had enough food and then I started my Honda 500cc up and rode through my gate. There were only three houses between me and the next village which was 3 miles in a straight line. 2 dips and 2 hills but none the less a straight line.
All of a sudden as I was passing the second house on the way to the village a little boy jumped up from behind a low brick wall and threw a snowball at me. The stupid little fucker!!! There was no traffic at the best of times on this road so why now????? Why the fuck wasn't the stupid little git playing on his Playstation.?
I lost control of the bike and went arse over tit. Two saltos further I landed in the neighbours garden. The neighbour was Mrs. Jones who I have treated for the last 20 years. But I had now stood up after my fall in my leathers and darkened vizier and she came screaming toward me and proceeded to try to beat me up with a broom handle. She was deranged. She kept on hitting me despite the fact that I was shouting " Mrs. Jones, it"s me the doctor."
I spread my arms out and shouted " Happy Fucking New Year !!!!" I took my helmet off.
" Oh doctor , it's you."
" Yes it's me you silly bit.... ".. I began, but then all of a sudden she hit me again. At that moment I saw an enormous flash of lightning a mile further down the road. Three seconds later the clap of thunder struck Mrs. Jones to the ground. I helped her to her feet and took her inside.
Then my mobile rang.
" There's a fire at number................"
Exactly where I should have been.
Mother , father , baby didn't make it.
I did.
Mrs.Jones only just missed out.
And my wife is still where I left her.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY !!!!!!!!!!