From Dakar to The Shetlands. (But then somewhere cold )

Even though we both had our helmets on before stepping into the car we looked each other in the eyes. Because of his vizier I couldn't see his mouth but I knew he was smiling. We had it in the bag. We've been partners for fifteen years. There's an understanding.
And we were so far ahead in the championship that we only turned up for the appearance money.
To cut a long story short, we were on top of the world but not paying attention to what was important.
I said to Sven, ( the driver ), " Straight ahead 60 " , and bugger me after 30 there was a tree slightly to the left !!!! We just scraped it but then veered off into a ditch to the right.
I've driven with drivers who have given me a punch in the head for a fault of one meter.
As we came to an unexpected,abrupt stop, Sven swung around to the right and I to the left. Our helmets smashed in to each other. We were chin to chin. We grinned at each other. Sven grabbed my helmet and said,"We are the winners" As we sank into what appeared to be a swamp........................

Old Shep.

My memory isn't so good. So all I can tell you is that my last memories begin with the sight of an open field and the chain being unleashed from my collar. And then I ran wild and free. Then I saw cotton candy floating around in the green sky.
I chased some down and bit in. .......... Again and again.
Very tasty.
And now this guy's looking down on me and he has a needle in his hand.
I was only having fun........

Through Time.

I can feel myself motionless , doing nothing. And that's just what I want and need. But everything's going on. A girl of sixteen who is now 43. I feel like a dirty old man when I think of her then.

I kind of get freaked out thinking about what I think and my only solution to the problem is to walk it off.
So I took to the streets. I saw a neighbour and ignored her, I had no news and no meaning. I stepped in dog shit, I swore. I passed shops, not much I like and nothing I can afford. I saw two people cuddling on a bench, aah. I looked in a bookshop and saw my own reflection, aaahhhh!!!!!
I took coffee and cigarettes in a bar , trying to heal myself. I step outside and a skinhead swears at me, I've never seen him before in my life. I've still got a mile and a half to reach the town center, and I almost give up. But not quite. I persevere. To my regret. I saw a woman screaming at a 3 year old, I almost caved in. More than one beggar tugged at me, it left me cold. I wanted to eat, I found a cafe. I ate well and began to relax. I smoked a cigarette. I stood up to go to the toilet. I was confronted by a grizzly. " Remember me " ? he roared heartily. I couldn't place him before I woke up 15 minutes ago. It's all very embarrassing.
But then again..... at the time...... I was very..very...vry.dr n dru ck............

The Most Beautiful Woman In The World.

It was two weeks ago that I had agreed to the lads night out. Then I was in the mood .

" So we come to the last pub on the crawl and I give my thanks to God and Allah. I'm getting to old for it. To be honest I'm way past the point of. I am. It's just hard to admit it. Yes that's right, Punk is dead! But then again the rest of the 'lads' haven't caught on yet either.
Anyway; the lads have sprawled themselves around a table and when I come back from ordering the drinks I'm not surprised to to find that the subject has turned back to women. I sit down opposite Dave. He's a huge man with pock marked skin and long straggly hair. I don't remember him saying a word the whole evening.
We are a sad bunch of 40 plussers who have lucked out for the past few hours with our corny lines and bravado.
" The most beautiful woman who ever lived", I hear, as I take my first sip of my fifth whisky. And that after all those pints.
" Madonna!", says Ian, 44, divorced, broken nose and with half his teeth missing. " Mature and wild sexy."
" Good choice " says Steve with half closed eyes, " but I fink...." he starts to drool, " Chritine Agua...." God he's pissed, " Bonnie.....Lira..". He starts to fall asleep in the middle of his unfathomable sentence.We poke him with force.
" Who Steve "?
" Crisheen Agleerrrrr" and he promptly falls off his stool. It's late so we don't bother to pick him up.We just smile at each other.
" Susan Sarronden" says Jamie. Almost 60, thick rimmed glasses and a beer belly like Kilimanjaro. We all smile at him sympathetically. He is the oldest of the bunch after all. When last orders are called Shane calls out , " A pint and a Scotch all around. Except for Steve." He's still on the ground.
Dave downs half his pint and then his whisky. He still says nothing.
" Marylin Monroe ", says Dean as he stands up. He gulps his whisky down and shoves his pint towards Ian. " And with that thought I shall go home to my lovely wife. If I can find a taxi at this time of night and if she will let me in." He stumbles out the door.
There's only six of us left.
More whiskies turn up.
The barman's okay.
I stand up to go to the toilet and that's when the commotion starts. Glasses flying, blood on the bar, a woman screaming and the wailing of sirens. If I remember correctly. I could be wrong. It's been known to happen on more than one occasion."

And now I'm looking at Dave standing in the dock. And the prosecutor is saying, " The defendant didn't seem to resist the original arrest but as he was being lead to the police car he suddenly turned and head butted an officer. He then elbowed another officer on the jaw and yelled ..... " I've got three words for you fucking wankers. WENDY VAN DIJK." Then he fell backwards on to his head."

Dave can't remember a fucking thing and neither can I. He gets 250 hours community service. He doesn't understand what for. I wake up in my own bed thinking about Wendy Van Dijk and knowing I've had a stroke of luck.

Beauty , racism and a heart of gold.

Damian is one of my closest friends. Not the sharpest knife in the draw and has a mouth like a sewer. I don't think I have ever heard him utter a sentence without at least one swear word in it. He could be talking to the queen and it wouldn't matter a fuck to him. He's six feet four , bald and built like a brick shit house. Looks like the type of guy who would lay you out for looking at him in the wrong way. But he's not like that at all. Even though , I wouldn't rub him up the wrong way. I've seen him fight. I've seen him pulverize three men at a time. But he's got a heart of gold. I've never seen him wear anything but a T-shirt. Well obviously jeans, socks and trainers and a leather jacket in winter but he never wears a shirt or a pullover.
Yesterday I was sitting in my local and had got talking to one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen in my life. Dark hair , milky skin, dead brown eyes. But what was coming out of her mouth was puke. Scandalous. Rough racist crap.
I had to bite my lip. I really should have had the conviction to argue or put her in her place or just punch her in the mouth but her beauty had me mezmorized. I bit my lip so hard it started to bleed. Not cool. Full of frustration and weakness I was just about to leave when Damian walked in. He got a pint and came and sat with us. His imposing figure had no effect on the woman. She just carried on spouting. Race was obviously one of her favorite topics of conversation. I certainly hadn't started the conversation.
Damian had downed his pint within five minutes. He had listened intently for those five minutes and then went to get himself another pint. When he came back he said to the woman, " You really do talk a load of fucking shit don't you? I mean , who the fuck are you?" The woman stood up with a sour face and went into the ladies.
"Why the fuck are you talking to her," asked Damian. " She's a cunt! "
" Yeah, that's what I thought."
" No, she hasn't just got a cunt , she IS a cunt!!!"
"Sorry Damian, but I was hypnotized by her beauty. I was just about to leave because I couldn't stand it anymore and then you walked in."
" It's alright mate. She is beautiful, you are gullible and I'm a thick shit. Consider it sorted."
I didn't really get it. And that's not surprising either.
The woman came back and sat down and started immediately talking of what should be done with all the niggers and pakis.
Damian looked as sweet as pie and drained his glass. Then with a very swift action his glass broke in her face and he gave it a twist for good measure. Her hands rose to her face as she fell to the floor.
" One weapon less" said Damian as he ran for the door.
The woman lay screaming and writhing on the ground, ruining the carpet with all the blood.
And I just pissed myself laughing, full of relief.
The police took me in for talking to a beautiful woman who is no longer beautiful. They haven't pressed charges.