Nippy Out ! Just For The Hell.

Samual had been waiting for what seemed like an eternity for his friend Liam to turn up. Samual was always too early for appointments and Liam was always too late. Samual had tried being late in the past when they had made arrangements to meet up but it had only made him feel agitated for the rest of the evening. Samual didn't mind waiting as his own thoughts were always enough to keep him occupied and amused. But his thoughts couldn't override the cold. He was cold to the core and longed to be indoors. He wondered why they never arranged to meet inside as they would end up inside anyway.He thought it might have to do with that if he didn't turn up Liam would feel embarraced in public if it seemed he had been stood up. But imidiately he realised how ridiculous that was and even let out a little chuckle despite his chattering teeth. As he was standing there he wondered about stuff; pidgeons, planes, how he was going to cook dinner for ten people on his broken down cooker, why his sister insisted on sending him seeds for a garden he didn't have, hibernation, very young women in short skirts in the winter, all women in the summer, a better way to recycle shit, the way he judged people, star signs, meat production, whale meat, gravy stains and brandy butter.
When Liam turned up he was thinking about joining Japanees Brides.com.

Liam was breathing hard as they shook hands. He hadn't been running but the cold seemed to force the breath out of his chest under great pressure. His steaming breath was visable for a full yard before it cooled into the surrounding bitterness. Though they were smiling at each other their openening sentences to one and the other were serious complaints about the weather.
"Where to", said Samual. "Snooker hall or The Rose and Crown?"
"Rose and Crown,"said Liam. If it's not too busy we can maybe sit by the fire."

They walked unsteadilly, shuffeled and slipped on the compacted snow down the High Street.
Samual joked about Liams' trousers which he had taken up too much in the leg. He was wearing Army boots which made him look like a bovverboy...
Liam joked about the size of Samual's head but Samual was used to this because he hadn't just had a large head since yesterday.

The Rose and Crown was dimly lit, wonderfully warm and almost desserted so they were indeed free to sit by the open fireplace which they did after ordering two pints.
"Heard anything recently"? asked Samual.
"An explosion far off in the distance this morning but it didn't freak me out or anything. You?"
"Heard a rumour about numbers that may have disappeared from pages but when I looked they were all there. Not in the right order but they were there. Seen much?"
"Saw a manky pidgeon yesterday and saw one today too. But it could have been the same one. You? "
"Saw a Porche smash into a tree but figured the guy driving was well off enough to take care of himself."
"Felt anything good the last time?" asked Liam.
"Felt warm yesterday outside and seeing that it was 10 under I was quite pleased with myself. You?"
"Felt a kiss on my lips and seeing that I was on my own I was quite pleased with MYSELF!!!!" Liam smiled looking indeed pleased with himself. There was a short pause then Samual said,
"I treated myself to fruit a couple of days ago but it just left a bad taste in my mouth."
"Was it off?"asked Liam.
Ï don't think so,"pondered Samual,"I think I was just in the wrong state of mind."
"I hate it when that happens."said Liam.

After one or the other had fetched two more pints, it doesn't matter which one, Liam looked into Samuals eyes and said,"You didn't lie to your doctor last week did you?"
"Haven't seen my GP for two years now,"said Samual.
"Then you've answered my question to perfection. My GP's insane. On my last visit he googled a pair of panties onlinehappening at mega mega bytes and before I left he received a bag of dead roses and mouldy truffles. As he was fitting the panties I took measurements and came to the conclusion that his mental health had turned into terror strips.
"Not good!!!!"said Samual.
"You can say that again!!! I heard his wallet drop to the sky a few days later."

They decided to go for a game of snooker after all.
As they left the barman jiggled his huge man breasts at them and whinnied like a mare.
When they got outside they looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"Can you imagine.....", said one of them....
The other said,"Only if the hat's the right size...."
They both fell in the steaming snow and laughed themselves to death!!

If only the thought of Pygmies looking the other way had evaded them!!!
The ambulance was far too late!!!!!