No Expectations....

Was funny.. I felt that everything was good but as usual it was a miscalculation....!!! God... !Im so fucking macho !!!!! And the tradition stands true..!!!!!
Again, Alone in my bed!!!!! Bollocks....
O ja!!! And then a kick in the balls..... Ouwwwww !!!!!!!
Have now joined the Untouchables.........

Who Cares About The Title ? ( A Rose By Any Other Name)

Woke up and waited for the dawn... two hours sleep....again.... Coffee and cigarette in hand, the sun breaking out behind the church, doing it's best to offer optimism. Wasn't looking forward to the coming day... And sure enough....!!!!!!Bollocks!!!!

Friday the 13th.... part Idiot !

I'm not supersticious at all! But this morning as I was showering I had a very strong feeling that things were going to turn bad. I had a premonition that I would be hurt but that's par for the course.
After having worked for a couple of hours the feeling came back.... And BAM I got hit.
I felt it straight away.It wasn't just a broken arm or a simple gaping wound to the head. No! Both legs were obviously broken..... And it dawned on me all of a sudden..
Shit...today of all days.... I put my girlfiend's underware on!!!!

A True Story... (Apart From The Lies!).

Have been lying low. I don't find it difficult to shut others out.
Ten years ago I felt something but it was so vague that I didn't dare to speculate. Afraid of the truth and the future.So I carried on taking care of people.Either prolonging their lives or cutting them short. Because of situations and doubts I put all feeling to one side. In retrospct I should have acted earlier but now all is too late. Getting old and still falling in love!
This is the worst time to be sick. Is there ever a good time?
Sickness changes perspective. Shit! I fell in love!!!!

All I do will either cure me or kill me! And I can live with that!
M xxxxxxxxxxxx

No Permission......

No permission, but all the wrong and right signals.

Working for a funeral director is not a glamourous life and social chances are few are far between.....
But the day before yesterday someone pinched my bum. I turned around to see a face I had come across about nine years or so ago...In a good way !!!

After escorting the mourners back to where thier recseption was being held she kind of cornered me and drew close. She gave me no permission but nonetheless I drew even closer.
She slapped me hard in the face.
Needless to say , I"m looking for another job.
Fortyeight year old ex-funeral directors assistant.....
Ain"t looking good.... !!!!

M X

Hubert. (Long Time No See.. )

I bumped into Hubert today. I seem to bump into an awful lot of people. I must be really clumsey.
But anyway... Hubert saw me coming. Hadn't seen him for 38 yaers or so.
In class Hubert was a quiet dullard. Never put his hand up and never looked anyone in the face.
"Hey, M how are you doin?"
I was flabberghasted. He was so... different than then.
"You remember me eh" ?
"Well, er,. vaugley, you're er.. Herbe...
"Hubert, he interupted....
"Of course, Hubert, how are you doing?
"Fine, am not married, I flirt around and my job is great. In fact I have power . Even over you. Just need to tick your name in and then.... "
"And then what ? "
"You don't wanna know!

Freaked me out so I call in sick on my mobile and turned back towards home. I arrived nine hours later....

Tja, M x

For All The Time. ( It Took.)

Hate flashbacks, but now and again they just take over. Today.
All at once I felt as I did when I was far younger and had a different perspective on time. It was wierd to be there even if it was just for a brief moment.... Indesructable, all the time in the world, all could still pan out. The bliss of ignorence or is it the ignorence of bliss? Blissfully unaware !

But the feeling soon left and reallity was no surprise and no problem.
I"ve said it before and I'll say it again...; "Older and none the wiser!"

M x

Better Not Ask. ( Oh Lord, Don´t Ask Me Questions.)

Today, for no reason whatsoever I decided to walk to work instead of taking the bike.
When I take the bike to work I make my way through the side streets, but because I was walking I figured the best route was down Main Street.
The side streets have beautiful, curious, magical shops. Antiques and junk, the best bakers, and even a shop dedicated to buttons ! These shops are not open as I pass them but they make me feel good !

So as I said, I was walking down Main Street this morning. Nothing much had changed. All the same global names stretching for four hundred meters.
Half way down Main I came across Billy. I hadn´t seen him for at least two years and we both failed to recognise eachother at first. We were walking toward eachother and it was only when he was about five meters away that I thought I knew who he was. At five meters away he also looked at me with some quizical form of recognition. I couldn´t take the chance of insulting him so as we drew level I said, `Billy?
He looked at me blankly but then the penny dropped. `Hey M. `.
`Billy mate, how are you doin`?
I offered a hand but his eyes were raised to the skies.
After thirty seconds or so his eyes lowered from the heavens and rested deeply in mine. He smiled like coming back from a beautiful dream which he knows he can continue at any time and said.... `What was the question `?
`How are you`, I said.
`Oh, er, well, low or even no self esteem, can´t and don´t want to take care of myself, hate more than fifty percent of the population, I feel sorry for myself but I feel even more sorry for humannity in general, my body feels like thirty, but my anger feels like nineteen. That´s how I am, and you ?`
´Fine mate. Have to get to work.`

I think the best greetings are `Good morning, Good afternoon and Good evening.
But even then some people will interperate that as an invitation to spew their gall.

Won´t take Main Street again in a hurry.
M x

Lost. ( Missing.)

Terrence always hated his name but that is how how he grew up and he just exepted it. I just thought I´d let you know eventhough it has no bearing on this annacdote whatsoever.

Terrence was working late one night and was actually the last person in the office. Most of the lights in the office were out and his face sprang out from the glare of his computer.
It was nine thirty when for no apparent reason someone clubbed him over the back of the head. All lights went out.
Two hours later he woke up, felt the back of his head, looked at his hand, saw no blood and thought; `Well better call, eh...better go to...eh..., go back home ?´
It was only after these thoughs that he thought `What the hell just happened ?

He rubbed the back of his head for a minute or two then in a reflex picked up his briefcase, and opened it. Nothing was missing though he did not recognise his passport photo or the nane on the cover. The names on his bank card and credit card were also unfamilliar. There were documents with his apparent name on.
He was bemused and confused and all of a sudden felt unsafe. He had to get out of the office. And fast !

Once outside he took more than one deep breath and it seemed to clear his head somewhat. But then he realized that he didn´t recognise anything. He walked calmly into the unknown streets with no fear or trepidation.
He found a park not three hundred yards from his office but it was still not known to him in his present state. He seated himself on a bench, placed his briefcase on his lap and opened it up. Everything was still there. But there was an addition. On top of all the documents was now a beautifully bound book. He gazed at the cover for a half hour before falling into a deep sleep.

The next day he managed to find his way to a railway station. The fact that he had forgotten much and recognised little didn´t hinder him in making a dessision to buy a aticket to Cornwall.

He has been living there for a while now and his credit card still holds out for the essencials. But for most of the time he just sits either on the rocks near the shoreline or in the meadow reading and rereading the book which appeared in his briefcase. He goes over and over it.
He looks out to sea or over the rolling hills thinking `Steal all the clocks, steal all the clocks...

Terrence knows his own future.

NEVER SLEEPING !

Murder Crisis.(And No Pension Plan.)

Years ago there was no shortage of work. The 60´s the 70´s. But then capitalism set in. So much competition..... plenty work. Too many takers.
Even criminals need competition otherwise there is no fun , even in their buisiness.
I have become almost redundant, even we are not immune to the crisis.
I still won´t apologise for all I´ve done.
Son of a bitch.
Strange things will happen.
M.

Not Important. ( But The Aftershocks...) !!!!

Today, as every other day for the last year or so I woke up and before I knew it two women had invaded my thoughts. Neither of them were my mother so I consider myself not sick.
I had no time to think about myself before SHE arrived. And SHE lead into HER.
And that was all before the morning piss.
During shaving and looking in the mirror I can let them loose.
But during the roll up and the cup of tea they both creep back in.
My fault, not theirs´.
And after all that I still have to go to work.
God, I´m horney !!!!!!
M xxx

Reflections. ( Past, Present and Future.)

Not surprisingly the scene is a cafe. I had just put my book down and removed my reading glasses when I looked up. It is spring time and the door was open. It has a glass panel. I was slightly surprised but not shocked by my own reflection so I kept on staring. The background beyond the glass helped to fade the details so I began to create images.
Funnily enough I went through the exact same images as I did twenty seven years ago when I took a load of mushrooms in an attic room. It was a pitch black night outside. I put a candle on a windowsill and stared at my face untill I got transported.
First I was a Mexican male with a round jolly face, then transformed into a beautiful Japanees girl with a bone structure to die for who in turn changed me into a bearded old man. The old man was not a happy figure. He slowly changed into a skull. And the skull had no intention of changing into anything else than what he was.
Have been coming to this cafe for the last ten years. Still can´t work out the details.

Signed : The Beautiful Magic Mushroom Cloud.

Hunger.

I never eat breakfast. Depends on the defintion. Is 10:30 still breakfast ?
Anyway, the last few days I've been doubley hungry. A fierce feeling freeking me out to be fed. The Uitsmijter is not enough !
Virtual hunger ? For real ?

Will leaeve Africa in two days. Shame !

I can't take their hunger home.

And my hunger is of no importance.
Tomorrow is just another day.
I will eat but still stay hungry. A Western Luxury Problem !

Bollocks, M.

5 Miles Off The Ground.

Time, technologie, space and high definition vision.
It put`s all of your pals off.
I lost somebody today, who I thought, .... ????
But I Shoot To Killl,
And You Always Know I Will,
I´m A Bommer....... !

Mia´s spirit lives on. And there´s nothing I can do.

Mxxx

Burning Up, Burning Out...

Seething... ! They all seem not to notice. They could read it from the wrinkles around my eyes or the scars on my arms and even from the Crass emblem tattooed on my shoulder. But because I always say please and thank you and nod my head in the right places, they still don`t see the angry `young`man within. SEETHING !
It seems I can handle myself pretty well `till the blood begins to flow... Which ain`t always a bad thing. Depends on which angle you see it from. Or how far you want to go or how curious you are...

Still looking for protection and still trying to stay out of trouble.....
It`s the same old new life....

M. x

Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magic.

Blood: Blood will flow. As it does and must everyday. Whether it flows on the inside or the outside is sometimes of no importance whatsoever. It goes on. And so it goes.

Sugar: The sweetness of the magic of sex. Being a different being.

Sex: The magical mixture of passionate tenderness whilst being an annimal.

Magic: Tasting sugar whilst being outside yourself and still believing in the illusion. The magic goes on.

M.

Esperwnkig... 3.

It seems that maybe cats understand Esperwnkig more than your averge Joe.
Got to talking Esperwankig with Fidel ( the cat ) this evening and he seemed to undestand more in that half hour `conversation` than he had in the previous four years which consisted of English and Dutch..
But in any language he still can´t understand, `Don´t piss on my fucking couch !`
Little bastard.

Otherworldly.

I´ve seen many different life forms in my few years here. Mostly shades of yellow and green.
But today, to my wonder and amazement, I glimpsed a purple one ! Just lying there in my kitchen for a moment or two.
Beautifull but dangerous.
I let her go........

30 seconds.....

30 seconds before the lights went out I heard.....
Smitz aah. gwaaar weeer.
Esprewngig before the fall. I think, and hope. Otherwise people die in confusion.
And that ain´t good.
CK´s friend......

The Death Of..........

I can only imagine the last few minuetes. CK ´s dictaphone was still opperational so this is what I gather....?
He did his best to be friendly towards his travel companion and he said the right things. They both had no suspitions or warnings of the future. They were both a suspicious device.
At 33,oooft came the call. `fasten seat belts`.
And that is apparently what they did.
And this is the conversation which followed.........

Mia `We´re going down arn´t we ?
CK `Yeah , It´s all in the design
Mia `shit.
CK `I know. `


The rest was screeming and grunting.
I think that they shared some kind of heavenly bond before they both dived into the ocean togeather with 152 more.....

The only word I can make out before the meeting of metal and water was .... Jezebel... !!!!

Anyway, CK is gone and Mia had such a short life. But she´s gone too.

To all , don´t send flowers or cards..... Otherwise there will be a curse set apon you !!!!!

This is the end.