Seeing It Trough. ( To The Bitter End. )

I haven't covered my tracks too well. I became careless with age. From soldier to doctor to assassin and then back to doctor. I've travelled a long way to gain nothing and lose almost everything apart from my self respect.

This afternoon at about 3 O'clock the guy who broke my jaw came stumbling through the main entrance of his office block. I had been there since 1 O'clock and I actually wasn't expecting him for a few more hours but the sooner the better.
He was fumbling for something in his pocket as I approached. He noticed my winkel pickers and looked up. I took two steps back.
" Remember me ?" I said.
I shot him once through his head and walked back to my car.

I wish I could have celebrated the New Year and hold her one more time on the anniversary of her death, but the police are outside and the time has come for me to take my leave. And they will find her in the freezer where she has always lain.
Sighning off, gun in hand, for the last time,
Cold Killer.

The Truth. ( Or Age And Disappointment. )

My brain was saying George Clooney, the mirror said freak!
So I came back to the table, my confidence shattered, where the most gorgeous woman was still waiting. To my surprise.
Gorgeous, fine, but direct.
" So tell me the truth. What do you want?"
I've been searching for the truth since I was 14 and I have never known what I have wanted. " To tell you the truth I don't know what I want and the truth is mostly unbelievable. I want ultimate truth. But I'm just as guilty about lying to everyone else so I'm not surprised that the truth doesn't present it's self. But if you want to know the truth of the way I think then you have to follow the Strummer/Weller and the Vonnegut/Bukowski train of thought.

The poor girl was only 24 and she wanted so much to understand. She stood no chance. I was obviously out of my depth. And she was doing her best.

" But what do you want right now?" she asked.
" The truth is that I want you to go away."
" Sorry?"
" No, don't be. Just go away. The truth is that you're too intrusive".
She got up with an indignant look, pulled on her coat and left without another word.
And the truth is that is just what I wanted.
But she was gorgeous!
I don't remember how I got home.
But I did.

Sucker Punch. ( Shock Treatment. I'm Doin' Fine)

I'm a sucker for a sad face. A bad quallity.
Anyway. I walked into the bar and had a good conversation with the barmaid.
Then it began to get busy.
I noticed a woman of about 30 sitting on her own looking pensive.
I walked over to her.
She looked up. But looked over my shoulder.
I turned. There was a very big bloke before me.
I only saw him for a second. Then I was flat on the floor.
The bastard broke my jaw.

But I'm learning his routine and I know now where I can take him out.
I know he's working on new year's eve. I know what time he will leave.

And all the plans he would of had after 19:30 will fly out the window.

You can't just brake my jaw and expect to get away with it.

Will inform you of his demise.

Cold Killer. xxx

Simply Dead.

After six months paid sick leave, Rachid was getting into his country route. Most of his passangers on his number 13 bus were OAP's going to do their shopping. Rachid had become more calm and relaxed in his work. But anyway, that's for later.

Two days ago I picked Mrs. Simpleton up at 10:00. She seemed to look forward to our outing. For someone sitting in a wheelchair she was very animated, arms flailing and screaming about monkeys. We were just outside the nursing home when she said loudly, " Where are we going today? The zoo, to the pub or the whorehouse?"
" I thought we might go to the river today", I said.
" Are there any ducks there"?
" I believe so."
" How much do you believe."
I couldn't make out if the question came from her dementia.
" Enough to get by." I replied.

So I was pushing her in the direction of the river. We passed a few pubs but I carried on pushing her full of good intentions. I had one destination in mind. The river. Mind you, I knew a very good bar there. A quiet counry bar.

Only one more street to cross. A lane in fact. A quiet country lane. The bar was in view. There was no curb so I pushed Mrs. Simpleton out before me.

The driver of the number 13 bus was too relaxed in his new job and wasn't really paying attention. Mrs. Simpleton went flying. Two fingers of my right hand got broken.

This morning I read in the local paper that a man who was a bus driver, of Indian origin, was found strung up in his home. And so it goes.

I don't think the nursing home will be in touch again.

Nice Day Out.

So yesterday I turned up at the appointed place at the appointed time and I was quite proud of myself for getting out of bed in time. I was greeted by a stern looking receptionist who told me "Mrs. Simpleton will be with you in a moment. Go and sit over there." She pointed to a waiting area full of ga ga's. I sat and waited. Then after ten minutes they wheeled in Mrs. Simpleton. She looked like a made up corpse. I wheeled her out into the streets.
"Where are we going " she crowed.
"To the zoo Mrs. Simpleton".
"Oh good, I like the wild animals. I think."

I had every intention of taking her there but somewhere along the way a pub stood in our path.
"Refreshments Mrs. Simpleton."
"What"?
She was a little deaf.
"A drink first my dear."
" Oh , lovely."
And there we sat, me drinking whisky, telling her it was a health mixture and her sitting drinking cider and believing it was an exotic cocktail.
Mrs. Simpleton was easily lead.
I ignored her for an hour.
A fantasy sat suddenly beside me.
" I think what you do is very nobel."
Nobel? I'm not going to give my life up for the old biddy.
We hit it off. She invited me back.
I parked Mrs. Simpleton in the front room, put a nature video on, and we went upstairs.

I returned Mrs. Simpleton at the appointed time at the appointed place. She was raving about puffins and seals, full of the joys of life.

I've been asked back !!!!
It was a good day out.

After.

After moving in,after five years, it suddenly became apparent that there was a huge hole in the floor. And looking through the hole you could see that the foundations were also pretty shakey.
You live with it or you tear it all down.......

Cold Killer.

Shagged out.

I was moving house yesterday togeather with my girlfriend. My new next door neighbour was sitting outside his door in the sun. We had introduced ourselves and he seemed like a pretty decent sort. After that I went to work carrying all the bags and boxes from the van to the flat three floors up. It took us the whole afternoon and every half hour I smoked a cigarette in the company of my new neighbour.
There was plenty of sweating, puffing and panting. Then when I was passing him for the last trip upstairs, struggling with a clothes dryer he said loudly, not even looking at me, " No shaggin' for you tonight!"

The relationship with my neighbour will never be anything special.

Holiday.

"Groovy, man," I heard somebody beside me say. I've heard so many forms of greeting in the last two months in L.A. that I was not in the least surprised. I turned to the speaker and then remembered that I was at a fancy dress party. The man standing next to me had a wig on with long matted hair and a huge fake joint in his hand. I looked at him thinking ' Why is that joint fake? This is L.A.!' But then I remembered how I was dressed. As Batman ! I was showing all I didn't have to offer. And in the city that's built on fake, that's the last thing you want to do. You would think that Batman could never be out of place, especially in the city of dreams, but I maybe should have put a salami in my tight licra costume to be on the safe side.
Up untill this point I was't enjoying myself.
"You wanna light my fire man"?
I lifted my mask and gave him my street stare.
" No, really. Have you got a light"?
I picked up a box of matches from a coffee table and I lit the 18 inch monster and after getting it going he offered it to me.

I got up two hours ago from my own bed two days after the event and I have no idea what's gone on. I have a bad feeling about it all.

I think I will go home early.

Oh no, I just rememered something. The rubber sabre and the feather duster.
I'm on the next plane out.....

Super Woman.

I sat on the 81st floor of the Grand Hotel.The rest of the 80 floors all had ceilings. From that angle I had the the best perspective on depth. Depth is inviting.
Sat there trying to think like a Samuri warrior beceause I thought that I was doing the honourable thing.
Nothing below was real.
The sound of a bird sitting on a telephone mast behind me made me turn my head. It went "Brrrrr, brrrrr. Brrrrr, brrrrrr."

And then, whoosh.
She was there . For me.

Super Woman to the rescue !

Fidel thinks.....

I'm jumping around the room to the music of The Clash and Fidel is sitting on the couch thinking ' what the hell is he doing'. And all of a sudden I've had enough of The Clash and I put Bossa n Roses on. And I smooch with myself. And Fidel thinks, 'what the hell is he doing?'
But then I go to him and stroke him under his chin. And then he understands....

Met groetjes aan Piep, Keesje, Rusty, De Dikke Witte,Billy, en natuurlijk Jezebel.
And Fidel thinks .... 'Nutter ".

On Call. (Again)

Nothing much has happened since my last call out.When I could have lost my life....
Old women with bladder infections and that sort thing are the order of the day.
But yesterday I knew my Honda was on it's last legs so I decided to take the 08:30 bus to my village practice three miles further up.
Rachid was new to his country route so I can't really blame him.
But I'm writing this with my right arm because he fucked my left arm up real good.
I understand that Rachid can't work for another two months.
I do what I can.
And my wife is still where she lies.

3 Million Miles Away......

Nothing worse.....

Nothing worse than torture.
I've been tortured for two months so I know what torture is.
Two months every year. That's my cross to bare.
But now I'm back in the real world and it's all falling apart.
HELP !!!!!!

Want to come home.

Lying in a ditch is no fun. I wanted to be home for Christmas. And here I am. Long way from home. Bleeding. Watching it all flow away. The worst thing is, is that I may never hold her hand again or do spoons. But I'm watching the drops fall and am praying that nothing worse falls on my head.

But then again, torture is worse.

Grow your own..

I went to the barber a couple of days ago. I will never laugh at anybody's haircut again.
I now imagine everyone bald. It's easy to do.
And then I see them in the hat that's their hair.
A creation of their own and their hairdresser's.
Nurture it into the proudest pineapple, mow it like the grass.
Feed it well !
Grow your own hat.!

D - day

Nobody can control what they think when they are dreaming.
She's not on the phone every day !
For the first time in years I dreamed of her.
And in the morning my answering machine is flashing.
And of course, it's her voice.
These kind of things fuck me up.
Why do they happen?

Oh, sorry, I was sleep typing.
None of this has ever happened !

A Miss Is As Good As A Mile. ( You Lucky Son Of A ....)

I can't brag about it because a miss is as good as a mile. My 100% record was gone.
But the cross of my sight was in the middle of his forehead. I swear it ! But the moment I shot he didn't fall. I was stunned; perplexed. The bodyguards knew something was going on so they had pulled him to the ground before I could gather enough control for a second attempt. This was the first time that this had ever happened to me , I was confused and didn't know what to do for a second or two. But I reacted quickly enough to pack my weapon away and get the hell out of there.
I cooley walked into a bar two blocks away and took six shots before I went back to my apartment.

And then six months later as I'm watching a ball game I get a flash of red in my eye. That day my reactions were perfect. The assholes hadn't covered the back exit. And I got the hell out of there. The hunter being hunted don't feel so good. I've lost my bottle and will look for other work.

I'm in transit. Greetings from Greenland.
Love, Cold Killer. XXX

Deja vu / Reincarnation.

I'm trying my very best. I always have done. I'm trying to get to the place where I should be. Instinctively. Always on the look out but you can't be aware of everything all the time. Using all my strength and all that's in my power to get there.

In the deep blue I've dodged sharks and ' friendly dolphins '. Friendly my arse!
And in the shallows I've been scraped by bears claws and have almost bitten on hooks.
But now here I am. The hardest trial of all. Swimming against a torrent. 20 tons of water pounding on my head.
Even though my brain is just less than the size of a pea it has a kind of flashback. I can almost remember doing this before. And I can vaguely hear the voice of David Attenborough. And in another flash I remember how it ends.
Which ever direction I choose it means death. So I choose to avoid the struggle of certain death, turn back and swim with the current. Now I'm moving. Now I'm having fun. And if only you could see the shocked eyes of of my comrades as they swim passed me with great desire.
And suddenly they have all passed me by and I am free.
I feel rebellious.
I feel scared.
Oh fuck. a shar.............

From Dakar to The Shetlands. (But then somewhere cold )

Even though we both had our helmets on before stepping into the car we looked each other in the eyes. Because of his vizier I couldn't see his mouth but I knew he was smiling. We had it in the bag. We've been partners for fifteen years. There's an understanding.
And we were so far ahead in the championship that we only turned up for the appearance money.
To cut a long story short, we were on top of the world but not paying attention to what was important.
I said to Sven, ( the driver ), " Straight ahead 60 " , and bugger me after 30 there was a tree slightly to the left !!!! We just scraped it but then veered off into a ditch to the right.
I've driven with drivers who have given me a punch in the head for a fault of one meter.
As we came to an unexpected,abrupt stop, Sven swung around to the right and I to the left. Our helmets smashed in to each other. We were chin to chin. We grinned at each other. Sven grabbed my helmet and said,"We are the winners" As we sank into what appeared to be a swamp........................

Old Shep.

My memory isn't so good. So all I can tell you is that my last memories begin with the sight of an open field and the chain being unleashed from my collar. And then I ran wild and free. Then I saw cotton candy floating around in the green sky.
I chased some down and bit in. .......... Again and again.
Very tasty.
And now this guy's looking down on me and he has a needle in his hand.
I was only having fun........

Through Time.

I can feel myself motionless , doing nothing. And that's just what I want and need. But everything's going on. A girl of sixteen who is now 43. I feel like a dirty old man when I think of her then.

I kind of get freaked out thinking about what I think and my only solution to the problem is to walk it off.
So I took to the streets. I saw a neighbour and ignored her, I had no news and no meaning. I stepped in dog shit, I swore. I passed shops, not much I like and nothing I can afford. I saw two people cuddling on a bench, aah. I looked in a bookshop and saw my own reflection, aaahhhh!!!!!
I took coffee and cigarettes in a bar , trying to heal myself. I step outside and a skinhead swears at me, I've never seen him before in my life. I've still got a mile and a half to reach the town center, and I almost give up. But not quite. I persevere. To my regret. I saw a woman screaming at a 3 year old, I almost caved in. More than one beggar tugged at me, it left me cold. I wanted to eat, I found a cafe. I ate well and began to relax. I smoked a cigarette. I stood up to go to the toilet. I was confronted by a grizzly. " Remember me " ? he roared heartily. I couldn't place him before I woke up 15 minutes ago. It's all very embarrassing.
But then again..... at the time...... I was very..very...vry.dr n dru ck............