End of 'Old news'.

As I didn't know where things were going to lead I, didn't know what I should follow. I decided that intuition was the best policy, so I picked up a newspaper to spend some time with the problems of a personal nature, politicians, the general public, the weather and belief. I was neither surprised nor disappointed by any of them. And after a half an hour of commiserating with the outside world I looked up at the bar keeper who was talking to a barfly of about 60. The bar keeper was a charicature of somebody famous who made their living doing charicatures of famous people. I seldom laugh out loud and and never previously had I spontaneously started giggling for no reason but it overcame me then. I picked up the newspaper and pointed to nothing in particular to excuse my private outburst. The barman gave me a nod. It was time to go. I stood up and took a quick glance below. All the fly buttons were buttoned up. It was safe to go back to the unpredictable streets. What happened after that is too weird to go into!!!!!

D and H. ( Chapter Three. ) ( Part one.)

The people Sean met were ' Dream Scientists ' , he informed me later in the car on the way back. I hadn't hung around to find out. I went to look at the town but ended up sitting outside a cafe for three hours listening to two old men. It went something like this:
" She had gold claws tipped with sharp cut diamonds, lifeless eyes waiting for heaven, and a beauty ravaged by past conquests. "
" One a month for forty years they say in her land."
" If the truth be known I admired her habit of slow diving at just the right time in rhythm with the mood of the moment. If we had seen then what we see now things would all be different. And for the better! But it's too late now unfortunately. At least we sleep real sleep now that we know. "
" My brother lies upon the rocks. "
" I understand. "
" I pass no judgement. "
"But many do judge and falsely accuse. Time is a trial, I can't deny. Too heavy to hurry. Three days ago I met a man who I saw standing staring in a shop window. He stared at something for an hour and for an hour I watched him in the pouring rain. Eventually I went over to him and asked him what he was looking at. He pointed to a very expensive looking watch and said, " I've thought my whole life that time is money but now it doesn't add up. I wanted to buy that watch but the more I looked at it the more time became ridiculous to me. I don't know where I went wrong but I have no real need of a watch. Nobody does." " A happy man I thought. Reminded me of tangled trip tunes."
" What time is love?"
" Exactly. "
" The secret of his success ; he got intense. "
" Many ways to succeed. I knew a man, personally, who could showboat and win. Effortless grace that claimed good fortune. Nothing could touch him. "
" Was he a happy man. "
" I believe he believed he was a happy man. "
" Hardly the same thing though. "
" I wouldn't know.."
" Oh no, of course , I'd heard........"

Then they stopped talking gibberish and burst into hysterical laughter. Jesus, I thought I was tripping.The whole afternoon was a ball and I was getting paid for it. ( I hoped. )

LIKE A FOOL I GIVE YOU CANDY.

AND I STEAL !!!!!!!!!!

D and H. Chapter Two.

Danielle owned an art gallery. It sounds impressive but it was actually a very low budget affair. She worked so hard to make it a success. She did everything from the books to the cleaning. She loved it. It was her reason for living. Sometimes she was poor and other times she was well off but she couldn't of cared less either way. Money was not the object of her passion. Mostly she was helping out friends and acquaintances, but then again she had quite a clique of friends. Hangers-on were also welcome. I met her at a party at the gallery which had been open a year or something. I was the friend of a friend.
She stood out in misty blue satin. At first, at a distance at least, it seemed she had an aura that everyone was afraid of and yet at the same time warmly drawn to. Enchanting. Wild dyed red hair, milk skin, bright brown eyes hinting madness. She swore she knew me from somewhere but couldn't place me though she was wrong. She held my arm lightly as we spoke for the first time as though it was the most natural of things to do. She kissed my cheek softly when I left , as if to say " I do know you.".
After a month we were seeing each other as good friends once or twice a week and six months later we became lovers.
She wore colours then. She unconsciously wore more black, grey and white as time wore on. But always deep blood red lipstick. I think we only had one thing in common then. We both thought that life was a joke.
THE JOKE WAS ON US . !

( Part 3 tomorrow. )

D and H. Chapter One.

I sat up in bed smoking a cigarette watching her as she sat in front of the mirror making herself up. Actually she just sat there studying her image. Danielle worried about her looks but there was no need. She was thirty two but still looked twenty. Unlike me. My damned face fell apart on the stroke of thirty leaving me looking forty.
We'd been in bed for two days too broke and uninspired to go out but now she had to go to work. Danielle sat and stared for a full fifteen minutes before attacking the mass of perfectly tangled hair.

The phone rang. It was Sean.
Sean always phoned at the right time. Always after you had showered or after you had made love or just after you had woken. It was uncanny and a little unnerving as though he could watch your every move. I liked Sean. He was sure of who he was and seemed to know who and what everybody else was without having to scratch beneath the surface. This man was a breath of fresh air to me with his high cheek bones and long slender legs and a grace of movement that was pure harmony. He was enormously attractive to women which made me slightly green.
" Are you straight "?
" The whole weekend already, why "?
" I need a driver. "
" Today "?
" Yes, interested "?
" Your wish is my command. "
"Broke , right "?
" Right. "
" Get a job H."
" You just gave me one."
" Okay , my place at midday.
"You got it." There was a short pause and then he said softly , "Is Danielle with you ?"
"Physically yes."
"You're a bum H, why can't you do the right thing?" Before I got a chance to defend myself he rang off. He liked Danielle very much and I don't think either of us could figure out why she was with me. He seemed much more her style. Sean didn't think that I treated her right, but Christ she was a big girl and didn't depend on me for anything.
" Who was it?" , asked Danielle as she came out of the bathroom buttoning her blouse.
" Sean."
" Oh Sean", she said as if she were melting, " how is he?"
" Sounds fine. I have to drive him somewhere this afternoon."
" Oh well, it gets you out of the house I suppose. There's an empty page in the other room."
" This evening , I promise."
"Not this evening, I want to cook for us tonight." This was a real stunner. We never arranged to eat , at leased not at home. If it happened then it happened but 'dinner time'? No way! I tried to look pleasantly surprised but I probably just looked puzzled. "What's the occasion?"
"Oh just that James' exibition ends today and he's now going to finally pay me and I feel like ....well I don't know.... celebrating?
"Great", was all I could say. I was in shock because if we ever had anything to celebrate we always went out. And we made quite a few excuses to celebrate.
She smiled and left.
I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. Christ !



I was on time for my meeting with Sean. He seemed very exited when he opened the door to his warehouse apartment.
"Hey, how ya doin' H?"
"Good, and you.?"
"Yeah, fine", he said with a smile. It was obviously a good day for him. He looked strangely beautiful when things were going good. "We're going north to see some people about the 'Dream Inducer'." This was one of his so-called inventions. I'd never figured out or asked how Sean made his money but it surely wasn't from his inventions. Mostly they were ridiculous if not amusing flights of fantasy. I was sure they were just a passtime but somebody was obviously interested. This new device was one of the more whacky ones. It was a scullcap rigged up to electro sensors which was in turn rigged up to a main ' computing unit'. You were meant to put the cap on a half an hour before going to sleep and meditate on a subject that you would like to dream about. Then you were to change the program, a kind of reversal program I suppose, and the device would somehow feed the information back to you as you slept. You should then be able to dream what you had meditated on for longer and more vividly than a normal dream, including all the things that you had imagined. I hadn't tried the device so I shouldn't have been so sceptical but it seemed a bit too far out for me . My comprehension of this sort of technology was beyond me. Somebody of importance would surely have been interested in such a device if it worked.?
Anyway, we set off at a very low pace to begin with through the narrow streets of the old part town where Sean lived but soon we were racing along the open road of the country.
" We've plenty of time and I would prefer to arrive in one piece", said Sean.
" It's your car", I said taking my foot off the accelerator pedal. He had a good looking car and couldn't even drive. It made him feel good to be driven around was his only explaination. We cruised along at a pace that seemed more reasonable to him, silent for a while, the sun beautiful on our faces. Sean broke the silence by saying," You were in one of my dreams last night."
Other peoples dreams bored me and I told him so.
" Do you not think that dreams have meaning?" he asked.
" Actually I do but I think a dream is only of significance to the dreamer."
" I think my dream was significant but to you , not me."
" Okay, let's have it."
" Well we were in a dim blue lit room which was very cool but you were burning up with a sort of fever. A phone rang in the room and you picked it up and listened for a while. Suddenly your face took on the look of someone who had just received the worse possible news. You put the phone down, stunned, and then you turned to me with such a look of black sorrow. I asked you who it was and you said "Me." I could feel your dread." He stared straight ahead, expressionless.
" Yeah right." I said with half a smile, trying to look calm. " As I said, the dream is only important to the dreamer." But inside I was freaked. I'd had a very similar dream the night before too but I was on holiday with Danielle and I got the call at the reception of the hotel and it was me on the other end of the line. But it was the real me. The truth of me. But for the life of me I can't remember what I told myself.
" Well if you had dreamed it , what would you have thought?" he said.
" That would have depended on what I said to myself I suppose."
" But if you could have seen how you looked when you put the phone down it could only signify something terrible." I didn't really want to go on with this.
" So if I had dreamed this what would be the point of trying to figure it out?"
" Well I see it as a warning , I'm afraid."
I wasn't taking him seriously. The dream didn't freak me but the fact that we had both dreamed much the same thing on the same night was something else. Sometimes he would get so serious, and then , as now, he would just smile , revert back to his old self and change the subject.
" I'm giving a party in a couple of weeks, you and Danielle must come. Danielle can do some networking. I've invited a varied crowd. She'll enjoy it."
" Will I?" I said.
" I doubt it H. You don't enjoy too much at all." ( He was close. ) " But there's free booze."
I didn't get the connection. I smiled at him quickly and then gazed at the road ahead. I liked Sean. In a detached way I suppose but everything seemed detached to me. Especially funerals. I hated going. Worse still were weddings. The world and his wife. It was all so comical. I can't understand why I can't understand.
The only thing that made any sense then was Danielle.
Still is!

Chapter 2 will follow..........

Still Twisting...

You're still twisting my melon man.....
CALL THE COPS.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old news....

Out of the last six days I have enjoyed about four or five hours. Hours I spent with her. And after those hours, as always after parting, the curtain of realization would again start to fall and and again it would get darker and darker . Life would at least turn into grey if I didn't deprive myself of those bright hours. She will never come back to you. She may love you but she will never come back. She's looking forward and you are not in her field of vision. You wish so hard that you can catch up with her but you're always a few paces behind. Just close enough that she is aware of you but she won't look back at what is behind her.

I've never had too much trouble detatching myself before so why I'm still so painfully entangled is beyond me. These are not just emotional strings to be cut through , these are the chains of all hope.
I have no explaination of this process on this scale. Moving on was never such a problem before. This time I should be cruel to myself to be kind but that is just the logical angle. Anger and frustration with myself are the emotions to be tackled and she takes them away for a few hours a week.
Her pace may quicken everyday and you will naturally fall behind and eventually she will be so far ahead that even if she did look back you would be too small to see.

After I typed this in I stood up and went to the window. There were still kids playing in the fading light and their screams of exitement made me smile inside. The phone rang in the other room and as always I rushed to grab it as though it were a lifeline to someone going under. As so often I was disappointed at who the caller was but I remained polite if not a little distant. There was no warmth to draw me any closer and it may have sounded like a bussiness call. It took up some time but no energy. Not one word had influence on how I felt or what I thought. After the call I had completely forgotten what I was doing so I just stayed sitting there, full of so much but feeling empty.
Not full of myself, that's for sure! Full of crap, maybe? Full of thoughts that only a sane man would think when he thinks he's going mad.

The next day after showering and eating a small breakfast I decided to go out with no particular purpose in mind. So I put on my hat and gloves as the weather demanded. Before opening the door I turned to check myself in the mirror which was just as well. There I stood in just my hat and gloves. But I remembered remembering getting dressed. But I must have remembered yesterday because there I stood trying to remember how a sane man would smile. But the smile broke out of it's own accord so therefore I knew I wasn't mad. I had just forgotten to get dressed. I hadn't forgotten how to get dressed because that is what I then did.
As I was on my way out the door the phone rang again. I waited for the answering machine. And then there was her voice, I didn't rush. I didn't move. I had gone so cold I had gone blind and couldn't see the lifeline, and being saved wasn't worth thrashing around for.

Outside the streets all seemed very sensible. The cold air on my face strangely enough took me back to a far warmer, happier place. It was a place where happiness and calm outweighed interlect. It was a place of comfort. Temporary comfort. If it were only true that these streets could be this place. I wandered through streets I had seen a thousand times before but everything was new. I turned into an allyway and bumped into two men fighting. They were not small men but both the worse for drink. And suddenly the self deluded warmth was gone. The feeling and the streets again became cold. It was time to find a place which served good coffee and where there was not too much noise.
I walked a hundred meters and found a friendly looking brown cafe. I walked in. I couldn't help but check myself out in the bar mirror. Thank God ; I was fully clothed.

Litter Bug.

I heard it before I saw it. I was on my way home from work , not really paying any attention to anything in particular. Just the traffic and the tourists wandering around without looking out for bicycles. Then the urgent sound of a tram bell rang out and a half of a second later a light crash of metal. The tram had obviously not hit a car, bus or lorry. If I had my i-pod in my ears I woudn't have heard a thing. 'Oh shit', I thought. ' I suppose I should go and take a look. It's a nurses duty afterall'.
So I doubled back on myself to see a small crowd of people standing in front of a still standing tram. There was a woman sprawled out in front of the tram and a mangled bike under its wheels.
I parked and locked my bike, and ran over to the scene. A young policeman was bending over the woman and he was white as a sheet.
" Have you called an ambulance"? I asked.
" Of course I fucking have ". He was in a worse state than the woman on the ground. She was unconcious but bleeding prefusely from her head.
" I'm a nurse, let me try and stop the bleeding ". I said.
" Go ahead" said the cop who looked like he was going to faint.
I always carry an emergency pack of gauze, bandage and plaster with me for just in case. Just if I come across something like this.

Head wounds often seem worse than they often are. I ripped open the package containing the sterile gauze, threw the package to one side and pressed the gauze firmly against her head.
" Hold this tight against her head ", I told the cop. He did it though he was shaking like an leaf.
The gauze was soaked through within five seconds.
' TIGHT against her head ", I tried to say as calmly as possible. The cops' pupils were dilated with fear.
I ripped the packaging of three more sterile gauzes open and threw them to one side.
" Okay ", I said to the cop," take the gauze away and hold her head off the ground while I dress the wound." This he did as though on auto-pilot.
I made a pretty good job of dressing the wound though I do say so myself.
More cops had arrived and then the ambulance. I gave the para -medic what information that I could when he asked who had dressed the wound.
"Head wound 7cm long and 2cm wide . Pulse slow but regular."
" Well done mate , you did a good job. thanks."

The woman was loaded into the ambulance and was driven away with wailling sirens.
The scene was taped off for investigation.

The young cop who had been consoled by his mates now had a better colour in his cheeks. He strolled over to me.
" Excuse me sir but is this your rubbish?" And he pointed to the dicarded packaging of sterile gauzes.
" Yes"????!!
" Then I have to write you a ticket for throwing litter on the street. 50 euro please."
I didn't pull the knife out that was strapped to my calf and I didn't pull the gun that was strapped to my waist.
BUT I BLOODY WELL SHOULD HAVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beware of the flowers cos I'm sure they'er goin' to get you yeah.......

Bully Beef.

Steve had a big smile across his face when we noticed each other from opposite ends of the pub. I smiled back and walked over to him. The pub was quite gloomily lit so I didn't see it at first but as I drew closer to him I saw a dark red gash down the middle of his forehead.
I bump into Steve only now and then, he's a mate from the bad old days. Fire and thunder. Bully Beef and carrots. Time dug in togeather. A terrible time.
We heartily shook hands and did the normal " How are you doing you old wanker......" Everything was good at home and at work and blah, blah, blah.
" What the fuck did you do to you're head? It looks like an Angel has taken an axe to it !
" Smart arse. No, I'll tell you what happened....." He put an arm around my shoulder and we both sat down in a quieter spot. "How much do you remember about the Falkands " he asked ?
" Everything like it was yesterday", I said.
" Well that's the funny thing. I can't remember anything but fire and fear. All our faces were the same. The enemy weren't the guys we were shooting at. If they had put you in an Argie uniform I would have shot at you to. No bother. Would you recognize anybody you had shot at? No, of course not. Wait a minute I'll get some drinks in. "
I had an uneasy feeling. Steve has a heart of gold but a reputation. A reputation for fighting. I wasn't scared of him but I knew he attracted trouble so it wasn't wise to be near him for too long. He came back with a couple of bitters and two cold pork pies. The pork pies were disturbing. Before I could say cheers he carried on.
"Do you remember the communications post on the hill we attacked ? Well apparently there was a guy on the other side who was standing next to his brother. He was looking through his binoculars at me as I shot. He noticed his brother fall. He turned to his brother and I shot again. I saw I'd hit him but I knew it wasn't clean. It seems I shot his nose off! Anyway, it turns out that he has been searching for me ever since the war ended , and last week he found me. It was a question of honour. I was standing right here in this pub when he tapped me on the shoulder. He asked if he could talk to me and we went and sat down. He explained the situation and why I had to die. Well, scared that he had a pistol secretly aimed at me, I head butted his nose. It was only reconstructed with titanium! I split my head open and the blood just poured out. Two of my mates who were standing at the bar immidiately jumped on the guy and dragged him outside. Cheers."
" What did they do with him?" I asked as though I a gave shit.
" I didn't ask. But knowing my mates I don't think I'll be seeing him again."
He had a big grin on his face.
I wondered where honour ends? The pork pies were getting to me and I knew I would never come back to The Rose and Crown.

Misssssunderstandings...........

Scared of myself and afraid of life I set one foot in front of the other. And all around me I see and hear nothing but strength. The strength of conviction. All they say and all they do is the right thing to say and the right thing to do.
That conviction left me today. It's a real bitch!
Feeling useless and worthless I did my best to work. It hadn't helped that I had not slept the previous night. But sleep deprivation alone shouldn't have this effect!
I was walking down the street, shaking and moving like a spastic! And then from behind me I heard , " Hey, asshole! " If I had eaten the previous day I would have shit myself. I turned around. A man mountain was striding towards me. But he looked surprised.
" Oh, sorry mate" , he said, " but from behind you look just like Pascal. No offence mate."
I thanked fuck I wasn't Pascal and walked on.
Must eat, I thought though I had no hunger. I was just about to enter a bakers shop when a man with blond hair and a leather jacket sprang through the door before me.
" Hey, Pascal", said the bakers wife.
I couldn't stand my ground. I was out the door in a hurry and ate a BigMac a half an hour later. Nobody knew me or Pascal there.
Even with my belly full I felt like shit. Convinced that my eyes were twice their usual size I squinted for the next two hours untill I got home.
I sat on the couch for one and a half hours just staring at the painting on the wall. But she gave me no stength either. She was cool and assured and seemed to be laughing in my face. But hey; she is the innocent one. And I am as guilty as sin.
The morning papers read, ' Pistol Pascal ' shot dead in broard daylight.

At 44...........

At 44 is it too late to become a good man? A man without dark thoughts . Sometimes almost evil. I learned to have those thoughts , they were not inherited with birth. I am weak because I don't know how to be re-educated. Guilt which has nothing to do with religion or what others think of me. My own pure guilt!! Ignorance is bliss!! I wish I had not of learned , then I would still have a shred of selfrespect. I don't want to be a bad man but that is what I am despite all the good I do. And I do some good though it's not enough to redeem myself. Not that I think I'm going to Hell or anything . Just dont act on those dark thoughts. I want so much to be a good man. Not for others but for myself.

IK STA BUITEN, LEKKER FRISSE LUCHT.
Maar ik sta overal buiten en op sommige momenten bevalt dat me wel en op sommige momenten dan ook weer niet. MAAR HEEL VAAK ZIT IK ERNAAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!